maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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