the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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