Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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