i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
