Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
