So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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