OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize