The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
cat food counts as protein by the way
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
