I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize