WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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