After last night, I could never be a politician.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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