currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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