Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Randomize
