I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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