I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
