my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
