I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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