I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
