I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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