shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
