Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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