if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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