There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
