it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i think my mom watched the whole time
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
