please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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