I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
