I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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