I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
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