I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
