you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
