Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
