this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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