So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
