not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize