My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
