to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
