seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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