I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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