If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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