GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
