What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
