shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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