Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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