I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
