I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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