and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
