did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
