Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
