a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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