The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
