what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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