my vag is so smooth its legendary
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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