I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Randomize
