so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
