I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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