It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
i've created a new STD.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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