I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
