Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
