there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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