You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
